I’d like to tell you all my thoughts on this weekend’s Grand Prix of figure skating event that took place in Japan, the annual NHK Trophy.
I’d love to share my joy at the amazing level of ice dancing right now, and how emotional all the top skaters were in their performances, including the Americans shown above, who placed second.
I could tell you all about Tessa and Scott’s sleek, sexy outfits and how they brought tears to my eyes as I watched their free dance last night and how relieved he must have felt to nail the twizzle section that almost took him down during their short dance.
But there’s a bigger, more important elephant in the room and its the reason I’m already crying right now.
I have to tell you all that UB has died.
Our amazing, cuddly, loving, sometimes-serious, protective, friendly littlest buddy crossed over the Rainbow Bridge all on his own at the very end of October and our hearts and our world haven’t been the same ever since.
This wasn’t something we had been expecting or planning for.
UB Pickles Napolean Jumping Jack Flash Serge Savard Spinorama Fyfe was supposed to be hiking alongside us in the forests out back for years.
He was supposed to eagerly climb into his ‘Steve Austin’ smoking-jacket right now and for the next few months as we would be stretching our legs along our long driveways.
He was supposed to be Cleo’s assistance dog as she prances into old age with deaf ears and rear legs that don’t work as well as they used to. He was supposed to be Bebe’s boyfriend as our strange grey kitty continues to find her voice and place in our world.
We fully expected him to continue to charm the snot out of everyone who visited as he made friends with all of our friends and family who came to the Fyfe Farm. Anybody’s lap was fair game if you sat on the couch and full-body contact was preferred, if not expected.
UB, the king of all laps, was supposed to find a few more over the next few years. With zero concept of personal space, UB should have spent a great more deal of time firmly squared away with someone’s arm wrapped around him.
And UB was supposed to pack up into one of the trucks yet again with Cleo & I on our next trip to Bismarck. And the trip after that, too. And maybe another trek to Canada as well. He had a knack for keeping Cleo and Loki calm when we travelled and he made the most out of wherever he landed as long as we were all together.
UB was only 9 years old so it didn’t seem to be a big deal when he developed a tiny, dry, little cough a few weeks ago after we returned from Bismarck. It certainly didn’t slow him down and he mostly did it when we first went out for a run (always at full speed) or when he first leapt out from under the comforter each morning.
And, hey, half of Seeley Lake is still coughing and dealing with sinus issues after the months-long Rice Ridge fire brought thick, grey smoke into our world and our lungs for what seemed like an endless summer. Even though we evacuated to North Dakota for a month I still put UB’s cough down to the smoke.
Because he was still UB.
Playing, eating, jumping, snuggling, awesome UB.
But then maybe he was sleeping a little bit longer in the mornings.
And maybe it was noticeable that he stayed pretty close to us whenever we walked outside.
And perhaps he was actually a bit clingy during evening Couch Time when Daddy was in Bismarck for his two weeks.
Which was all stored up in my head and my heart as I made arrangements for our fall house-sitter to come for our planned trip to the Big Island of Hawaii on October 26th.
Because that’s what I’d like to be telling you all about right now.
Sunshine, mai tais, old friends and new ones, my golf game, the enormous resort, incredible seafood, the annual veterinary dermatology conference and some much-needed Aloha.
There was Aloha, alright, but it just wasn’t right.
My husband and my heart weren’t there.
Because a couple of days before our trip, UB suddenly stopped eating.
Just like that.
We coaxed some canned food, some bacon, and some of our own breakfast and supper but he mostly just looked at it. He didn’t touch the cat food dish either, and Doctor Me told Mummy Me that its never normal for a dog like UB to repeatedly refuse food. Particularly with nothing else really wrong.
Well, there was that little cough…
So on October 25th, UB and I drove to Missoula while Alistair packed and we visited our internal medicine veterinary friend, Dr.Dave.
He and his assistant enjoyed getting to meet our happy little guy although he did seem a bit more subdued than normal. He was a perfect monkey for his ultrasound and for his chest x-ray and he seemed endearingly more concerned about me when I lost my shit in the truck when we left the clinic.
UB’s heart wasn’t the problem. It may have been a bit on the large size but everyone who has met him already knew that.
His lungs looked like a blizzard thanks to a ton of cancer throughout both sides.
(His head is off to the left, that’s his sternal bones on the bottom and his big heart is surrounded by white patches where the lungs should just be black.)
We don’t know what type of cancer UB had but it sure came out of nowhere and took us all by complete and total surprise.
And so we started prednisone at a high enough dose to get him to eat. And we gave more bacon and canned cat food that night as we continued to hold and kiss our special little friend.
Neither of us slept that night. Thankfully, UB was all up for cuddles under and on top of the covers with both Daddy and I.
At 3 in the morning, when our alarm was set to go off, Alistair said he would stay with UB. Even though UB loved our house-sitter and knew her well, it was what needed to be done. (I had already tried cancelling flights and resort bookings but it wasn’t going to happen.)
So I somehow got ready and even as we were ready to leave I ran down the hallway for one more hug and kiss from our loverboy. Which turned out to be the last ones for him and I.
And I flew to Hawaii and I wish I could be telling you about the fun couple I met as well as the really weird guy they put next to me because he was making a scene thanks to his size and window-seat ‘needs’ but he managed to fit into Alistair’s seat and shove his body against mine for 5 1/2 hours (and he didn’t open the window shade once!)
I wish I could tell you all about the resort but, to be honest, I wasn’t really there the first few days.
My heart was back home with my family and I lived for every text and update from Alistair.
The wonderful news is that UB had a couple of outstanding days. Alistair tweaked his steroids enough to get him really excited about food again and UB ate like the king he was! He rode in the Ranger with Daddy and they hiked and stacked wood and cuddled together on the couch and watched old Star Treks together in bed.
And I cried but I smiled, too, because UB got to truly enjoy his final few days with Cleo and Daddy and the kitties, too, even if I wasn’t there. He heard my voice on the phone the last day after he’d had a huge breakfast and even some snacks before I went off to my conference, where my close friends knew the reason why Alistair wasn’t there.
And so it was, on the early evening of the 28th, with Alistair outside in the hot tub and UB and Cleo running around in the leaves, that UB laid down peacefully by our back deck and, taking control of everything like always, he died.
Just like that.
And he’s gone and I cried my eyes and heart out alone in my hotel room in Paradise. And I continued to cry whenever it was safe to do so and sometimes even when it wasn’t over the next few days on the island.
And Alistair was suddenly very alone inside our big house in Montana.
I wasn’t alone during the days, though. There’s nothing quite like a conference full of veterinarians to make you feel some sympathy and love. And the outpouring of love and compassion and people telling me they were crying when I posted the news on social media was raw, real and heart-felt and I appreciated every comment and reaction shared.
I’d like to be able to tell you all that we’re doing just fine and everything is honky-dorey but that would be a lie.
I’m happily back in Montana and Alistair was able to stay a few extra days with me which helped immensely. I’m not sure how well I could have kept it together otherwise without UB in the house. And now Alistair is working in Bismarck and Cleo and I are getting into our own new routines with the cats.
I’m thankful that UB didn’t suffer. Ever.
Thankful he found us 9 years ago and was such a perfect Fyfe family member and sibling to all the other pets (maybe not the guinea pigs, although we still aren’t sure what went down that day…)
Even more thankful that so many of you got to meet and fall in love with our Boston Terrier, Cocker Spaniel cross who flicked his feet when he trotted, ran that kissing booth with his fetching underbite, sat like a human on any chair he could as long as we were with him and slammed Subarus and their dreadlocked, hippie, ten-and-two-in-my-Subaru, patchouli smelling, bra-burning slow drivers with abandon.
I miss those soul-searching brown eyes as he would just stare at me. I miss hearing him prance around the house to find us. I miss his naughty paw-pulling he did when it was time for nail trims and I miss watching him burrow into the magic blanket.
What I really want right now is UB.
I want the last 4 weeks to not have happened.
I want to pick the smoking jacket up off the freezer and watch UB joyfully hold his arms out for me to wrap it on him.
I want to take him and Cleo for walkies and for him to mix up words in a song and for us to make a funny video with him taking to everyone tonight.
But that’s not real.
What’s real is the hole in my heart and the lump in my throat and the tears streaming down my cheeks. What’s real is Cleo’s need for a walk today and my concern that she’s also really missing her younger brother. The silence is real. The empty dog dish is real. UB’s collar and cute new name tag lying on the counter in the laundry room are real.
What’s real is the pain… which means the love was that real in itself.
And I’m honored to have been able to share UB with you all.
RIP, UB. Oh, how you are loved.
8 thoughts on “What I Really Want”
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how big that void is, and how much he would have wanted to stay with you, if he could.
You know so well how this feels… big, big voids. UB loved his life, just as Butterfly did. Their spirits were huge!
Tanya, I am so sorry for you loss. Tears are flowing here, as I know how your heart aches. Your gift as a wordsmith- so beautifully telling this sad story is quite remarkable. UB was so lucky to have lived out his life on the Fyfe Farm with you. HUG!!
Awe, thanks, Barb. I think the true gift was UB to us. Such a goofy, hilarious, loving spirit! How lucky we are to have shared a space in time with him.
Oh Tanya, As I began reading, I felt something wasn’t right…Then when I read about UB…I yelled “NO!” at my computer and the tears started streaming down my face…Dillon came over and laid down next to me on the couch…Dennis thought I’d gone mad…I’m still crying…I’m so, so sorry!!! All week I’ve been waiting for your blog to fill us in on the figure skaters…I enjoy your “inside scoop!” We are all so blessed to be able to share the love and joy of these wonderful little ones that come into our lives! RIP UB!
Aw, Marty, this one took the wind out of my sails for sure. What a little character UB was and what a big part of our world. Even as a vet I can’t make any sense of it. I can, however, treasure our memories of him in his little bow tie at the Dog Days each summer and every cuddle he ever gave. Thank Dillon for comforting you and know that the skating inside-scoop is out there. Skate Canada strangely kept me sort of grounded watching through my tears on Hawaii. Thanks for your thoughts. Big hugs! xo
What I Really Want is not so much Real! Your words a Beautiful tribute to UB! Lots of hugs!
Thanks, Kathy. What a special spirit he was! Hugs back, I appreciate them 🙂